Regeneration

I suppose it is fitting that I return to my blog after a several month hiatus and having written my last post about aging parents. I am, it seems, to be a "geriatric" parent myself -at least that is what I was informed -as a 39 year old mother-to-be of a first child.

I have struggled to take in what this means to my life as a previously confirmed -and happily so -old maid. So far it has meant a few tears, more hugs, a lot of mangoes eaten, less running and more walking, swollen feet, medical bills, much anticipation, and a huge burst of creativity. Last year, after a series of life decisions and struggles, I was left feeling like all the life I had lived and everything I had ever believed was just a big question... a big joke on me. Disillusionment. Is that part of growing wisdom? Now I am faced with being a mother and letting go of cynicism.

I find myself questioning all the assumptions of modern American parenthood, along with all of the assumptions of our American lifestyle.   I am looking for a place, a niche in a world I struggle to understand.   I look for a place to raise a little girl -loving and safe with some of the freedoms I knew as a child -a place to let her be a child. A place where weekends are less filled with little league games and more filled with adventure.   A place where owning the right shoes is less important than using them.